Never left alone
by RoxInSocks
Summary: It's happening again. Again, he's left alone. But this is too much. His body can't take another breakdown. This is too much for a lone man.../ Kakashi centered. Kakashi and Gai friendship. NO ROMANCE.


'_The air is so heavy...'_

Kakashi stands inside the barrier protection, along with all his other comrades. Everyone is nervous and don't know what to do with themselves. They all wish they could join the battle; Protect the ones they love, instead of being kept away from danger and protected like helpless children...

They can all feel it; the chakra of the nine tail. It's poisoning the air around them, tainting their heart with fear and doubts. It feels like the sky is going to fall on their head and the ground open up under their feet. They feel anxious. They feel useless. But there's no way for them to escape their safety prison. No way for them to know if the ones they care for are alright, fighting against this monster their sempais are calling "domestic problem".

But amongst all of them, Kakashi is feeling the weight on his shoulder the most. Looking absently in front of him, oblivious to his comrades' chat and to the questions Gai is asking him, he's already starting to feel the pang of guilt, anger, shame and sorrow that comes from grief. He knows how things work. He knows that when such a danger arise, it is the hokage's duty to protect the village. The hokage...

His sensei.

The only member of his team still alive.

Already he's feeling his heart beating violently against his chest, desperately trying to escape so that he won't have to bear the emotional breakdown coming its way. His heart knows it's coming. Even if deep inside, he believes in Minato. Even if deep inside, he hopes like a naive child that everything is going to be alright. Despite his best wishes, he knows all too well what is coming...

Then the suspense ends. The beast's chakra vanishes. Everyone feels lighter all of a sudden. Everyone shout to their sempais because they want to get out. They know it's over. The nine tail's been defeated. They all want to go out and see the damages. See their love ones. See if they survived. Kakashi is no exception.

The older ninjas let them out and tell them to go help the wounded on the battlefield that their village became. Gai is still talking to him, but he's not listening. He's not listening to his superiors either. He runs. He runs toward where he felt the nine tails' chakra a few minutes ago. He doesn't hear the others screaming after him, telling him to come back. All he hears is his heart beating in his ears and this little voice at the back of this head that says "Maybe it's ok. Maybe he survived. Maybe it'll be ok."

Once he's outside the village, it doesn't take long before he's stopped by ANBU operatives, preventing him from going any further. They don't want to tell him what happened. They tell him to go back to the village and help the civilians. He scowls and try to get past them, but the ANBU easily immobilize him on the ground. He thrashes around, his dexterity and ninja skills completely erased from his memories all of a sudden. He feels lightheaded and his body seems to be going numb. His vision his blurry and he can't hear what the ANBU are saying. All he hears is his heart beating and his shallow breathing.

Suddenly the two men let go of him. Kakashi looks in front of him to see two foots, right under his nose. He sits slowly and look up, his gaze locking with the previous third hokage's eyes. The older man stares at him, his eyes full of compassion and affection. The kind of eyes he gives to the young ninja at the academy when he talks about the will of fire and how wonderful it is to be a ninja.

He never tells them how death becomes your best friend when you're a ninja.

Kakashi is no child anymore. He reads underneath the underneath. Those eyes are not meant to be reassuring. This expression on the old man's face is there to tell him something. Something he's afraid to say out loud or simply unable to. Kakashi is not stupid. No matter how loud the voice at the back of his head is screaming, he's a rational man. He knows when there's no more hope.

Then a sound startles him. A whimper. The soft sound of a baby sleeping. His eyes leaves HIruzen's to settle on his arms. He's holding a bundle of sheets and kakashi's eyes widen when he sees the puff of blond hair coming out of it. He gets to his feet and look down at the small creature, sleeping soundly into the old man's arm. There's no mistake on who this baby is, it's obvious. Kakashi glances back at the Third, his eye full of so many emotions, even the old man can't read him right now.

"Is it..." Kakashi tries to speak with a clear voice, but his words leave in a weak whisper. But the old man nods his head with a serious expression. He sighs before putting his hand on Kakashi's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Kakashi." He says, his voice soothing and calm. He seems to hesitate a moment, then continues. "He died a hero. He left this world like the great shinobi he was. You can be very proud of your teacher."

The younger man stares at the baby, but he's not really seeing him. He doesn't fully understand what's going on; all the implications. All he knows is that the little voice at the back of his head is gone and that his heart is trying to pierce a hole through his chest to escape this disgusting feeling rising up inside him. He's not aware that Gai followed him. He doesn't hear it when Hiruzen tells the young blue beast to take care of his friend. He doesn't even realize it when the old man leaves.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and look up into Gai's sorry eyes. That look again. That look of pity everyone gives to people grieving. He has seen that stare way too much before. Gai tells him something, but he can't hear it. He shakes him gently, trying to bring him out of his stupor, but Kakashi simply stares at him with his lone dark eye.

The air is so heavy around him. His head is spinning. His knees feel weak. He's not aware of anything around him, beside his friend talking to him. Yet he can't hear what he's saying.

"I'm ok." Kakashi says in a low voice. Even though he didn't hear what Gai said, he's pretty sure that's what he was asking. "I...I just... need..." He doesn't end his sentence, because he doesn't really know what he needs.

He turns and ignores his friend's protest before teleporting back to the village. He runs to his apartment, luckily still standing. He unlocks his door and gets in, not bothering to lock it again. He steps into his apartment and yank down his mask. It's incredibly hard to breath even with the fabric out of the way. He walks to his small kitchen and lean on the table, feeling that his knees are going to buckle under him if he doesn't hold on to something. He stares at the table, trying to take deep breath, but unable. His chest hurts. His throats burns. His hands are sweaty. His head feels dizzy. He pulls a chair and slouches down on it, his legs not supporting him anymore.

He closes his eyes and try to breath correctly again. But there's nothing to do. He put a hand on his chest to try to calm himself. He's breathing so fast his lungs hurt. No matter how much he breathes, it feels like he's not taking enough air in. His head spins and his appartment seems to tilt. His whole body ache and he doesn't want to acknowledge why he feels like this, even if deep inside if knows it all too well.

He can hear his heart beating faster and faster in his ear, as if it was possible for it to beat even faster than it already was. His stomach is twisting inside him and he feels nauseous. He tries to ignore it, but he feels it rise to his throat. He gets up and take the few steps separating him from the bathroom on wobbly feet. Sinking down to his knees he tries to take a few deep breaths and fails. He closes his eyes as his body spasms, his hands clutching to the toilet seat. He throws up in the water under him, even though he didn't really eat today. His throat burns every time. Once it's over it's even worst. He coughs many times, trying to get rid of the horrible taste in his mouth and the burning sensation. His breathing is still out of control, even more than earlier. He leans down on the wall behind him and presses his hand on his chest, as if it would somehow help calm his heart. As if he hadn't already tried that.

His vision is blurry and he can't discern anything in his bathroom. Everything is white and the same. He takes off his Hitai-ate and looks around with his sharingan, but even this special eye seems troubled and disoriented. Maybe it's because Obito is feeling the same as he does...

He rubs his eyes with his fingers, his chest still moving up and down with his erratic breathing. His eyes feels like they want to explode. They want to cry. They want to let all their emotions out and feel better. But it's like there's no water behind them. They're dry from all the other loss. Already too many tears passed through them. It feels like there are no tears left to be cried.

He's feeling more and more dizzy with each passing second. His breathing is so quick it's like he's not breathing at all. He's trying to hold on to something but his body's not listening to him anymore. His vision is getting dark and his lungs are completely out of control. He's hyperventilating and no matter how much he tries to take calm breaths, it only makes him breathe even faster. His eyes lose their focus completely and he closes them. His brain surrenders, his whole body surrenders, and he slips on the wall until his head touches the floor beside him, everything fading to black and his heart crying in joy of finally being able to beat normally.

* * *

The smell of warm soup invades Kakashi's nostril and makes his stomach grumble. He open up one eye slowly, keeping his sharingan closed, like he does every morning. He recognizes his roof and quickly turns his head to make sure he's in his apartment. His head hurts and he feels disoriented, but he's able to see it's still dark outside. He slowly sit up in his bed and leans on the bed head, trying to remember what happened.

It doesn't take long for him to remember.

His breath catches and his heart skips a beat. His hands fist in the sheets and he's about to panic again.

Then someone gets out of his kitchen, a bowl of soup streaming in his hand.

Kakashi looks up with wide panicked eyes at his friend walking up to him. He looks at the soup and frowns.

"What are you doing here Gai?" His voice coming out way calmer than he feels inside.

"Your door wasn't locked." He says, his tone unusually serious and devoid of his usual excitement as he hands the bowl to him.

Kakashi stares at the young man before him in confusion and Gai simply smiles back. He sits on the edge of the bed, deposing the bowl in Kakashi's laps.

He looks down at the soup, the smell making him hungry and the heat warming his laps.

"You're not alone in this."

Kakashi looks up at his friend with a surprised expression and is greeted by an even wider smile. This was, and still is, the most important thing Gai ever said to him.

"Thank you..." Kakashi whispers as he takes the bowl in his laps, grateful for the meal, and for everything else...

* * *

Thank you very much for reading. Reviews are MUCH appreciated :) and sorry for any grammatical mistakes.


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